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Stupidest Ballpark Features: NL West Edition

April 15, 2011

The Giants open a three-game series at Chase Field today. I haven’t been to Chase Field, but I don’t like it for two reasons: it has a dome even though it never rains (what, it’s too sunny to play baseball?); and it has this:

So you play your games in the middle of the desert. You built a dome to keep all the old retirees who pretend to care about the Diamondbacks when they’re winning from getting heat stroke. Fine. But then you went and put in a hot tub. Nope, sorry. Wrong answer. (The question being: what things belong in a baseball stadium?)

Of course, it’s unfair to single out Chase Field. In fact, every yard in the NL West has at least one horrible feature…

I have a very special relationship with AT&T Park. We go for walks on the weekend; we hold hands; we grab a picnic and maybe a little wine and just talk about, you know, life and stuff. But if there were a God, and if He had Photoshop, I would totally ask him to remove that cola-hawking abomination from an otherwise perfect sight-line.

We get it San Diego — you like the beach. That’s cool. But you are aware that you have actual beaches, right? Ones that are totally free? And feature a view of the ocean rather than an outfielder’s ass? OK. Just checking.

In any other context this picture would be a huge scandal. A Major League team is doctoring baseballs! In a secret room that sort of looks like a meat locker! And a guy in a suit is peering at them! What’s that? They’re allowed to do it because otherwise their box scores would read like a game of RBI Baseball against your little brother? Oh. That’s lame.

Insert your own snarky remark. (Tip: “Blue” rhymes with “Poo.”)

2 Comments leave one →
  1. porky the pig permalink
    July 10, 2011 9:18 am

    stop hatin on the stadium


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