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Cain Is Able To Fill A Bathtub With Caviar And $100 Bills And Roll Around In It Nude Screaming, ‘I’m Rich Biiiiiach!’

April 2, 2012

And he can stop cutting his own hair.

So that happened: biggest contract ever for a right-hander; $127.5 million over six years, if you count the $15 million he was already owed for this season. Woo doggy.

Of course, when the Giants sign a pitcher to a massive, multi-year deal we’re all required to twitch just a little because we remember the last time that happened. Sometimes we bolt up in bed in a cold sweat thinking about the last time that happened. But Cain isn’t Zito, except in the sense that both are carbon based. And really, the Giants had no choice. The offseason plan, as sold by management, was to upgrade the offense with Scotch tape and safety pins and throw all the dough at the arms. The only way we were gonna swallow the lack of Pujolses, Fielders, Reyeses and even Beltrans was if we got to keep all our shiny pitchers. And we did.

Will Cain be worth $20 million per in three, four, five years? Hard to say. Velocity diminishes, stuff gets more hittable, Tommys need Johnning. But those are unhappy thoughts. Today we found out we can spend the next half-decade not worrying about the sight of Matthew T. Cain in pinstripes or Dodger blue. That’s totally worth a whole bunch of someone else’s money.

One Comment leave one →
  1. GamerBabe from Halfmoon Bay permalink
    April 2, 2012 7:23 pm

    Thank you so much for that mental image. Although it is preferable to a Dodger Cain or an AL Cain.
    Long term pitching contracts are the definition of risky, but if there’s going to be one, I’m glad it’s Cain. Cain forever!

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