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The Hunter Becomes The Hunted

July 31, 2012

The following is lifted directly from the King James Bible, except for the bold parts. Those are from the original Aramaic…

“We answer to a higher calling.”

– Brian Sabean, discussing the Hunter Pence trade

And it came to pass, when men began to multiply on the face of the earth, and daughters were born unto them, that the sons of God saw the daughters of men that they were fair; and they took them wives of all which they chose.

And the Lord said, “My spirit shall not always strive with man, for that he also is flesh: yet his days shall be an hundred and twenty years.” And man said, “Man, only an hundred and twenty?” And the Lord said, “Fine, make it eighty-two. Any more questions?”

There were Giants in the earth in those days, and Dodgers also; and also after that, when the sons of God came in unto the daughters of men, and they bare children to them, the same became mighty men which were of old, men of renown. Men like Howard Pence of Fort Worth, Texas, who took unto him Gail and they bore a son and named him Hunter.

And God saw that the wickedness of man was great in the earth, and that the Dodgers had signed Hanley Ramirez and Shane Victorino also, and that every imagination of the thoughts of his heart was only evil continually.

And it repented the Lord that he had made man on the earth, especially cocky little dickhats like Ramirez and Victorino, and it grieved him at his heart.

And the Lord said, “I will destroy man whom I have created from the face of the earth; both man, and beast, and the creeping thing, and the fowls of the air and probably at least one Hairston, too; for it repenteth me that I have made them.”

But Brian Sabean found grace in the eyes of the Lord.

And God said unto Brian, “The end of all flesh is come before me; for the earth is filled with violence through them; and, behold, I will destroy them with the earth and cleanse it of all memory of Tommy Lasorda. Make thee an ark of gopher wood; rooms shalt thou make in the ark, and shalt pitch it within and without with pitch. And this is the fashion which thou shalt make of it: the length of the ark shall be three hundred cubits, the breadth shall be — ”

And Brian said unto the Lord, “Uh, Lord, let me stop you there. I’ve kicked the tires and done due diligence, and, well, we’re fresh outta gopher wood. Plus I think I lost my cubit tape measure. Anyway, what if we, just, you know, signed a hitter? And beat the Dodgers? At baseball? Might be simpler than the whole flood-the-earth-and-kill-all-living-things plan.”

“Hmmm,” spake the Lord, scratching his beard. “Perhaps you’re right. I hear good things about Hunter Pence, son of Howard. Go forth and make it so!”

And lo Brian did as the Lord commanded, and sent Nate Schierholtz and Tommy Joseph and some A ball reliever to Philadelphia. And it was good. Probably.


4 Comments leave one →
  1. ernie sandwich permalink
    July 31, 2012 11:43 am

    fire blowchy!!!!!!

  2. July 31, 2012 1:55 pm

    Not to be a dickhat, but it’s Aramaic, not Aramic.

    • July 31, 2012 7:53 pm

      Indeed it is, Travis, though now I’ve corrected it to make you look like, well, a dickhat. My blog, my rules. Also, isn’t it crazy that Genesis Chapter 6 actually says, “There were Giants in the earth…”?

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