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It Was The Best Of Times, It Was The, Well, Not Precisely WORST, Just Kind Of, You Know…Huh

May 6, 2013
Not pictured: Jesus.

Not pictured: Jesus.

Today is Willie Mays’s birthday. Yesterday the Giants completed a sweep of the Dodgers, which included two everybody-jump-around home runs, one courtesy of Gerald Dempsey Posey III, all praise be. If you’re a Giants fan and you aren’t happy, you’re probably dead. Might wanna get that looked at.

But — could you sense there was a “but” coming? — I feel vaguely…off. Don’t get me wrong: beating the Dodgers is always fine sport. All those sad little Dodgers faces…so cute. And yet, that’s not the way it’s supposed to happen.

I want to slay the Maximum Strength Dodgers; I want to see Adrian Gonzalez and Zack Greinke twirling their mustaches and swinging big dollar-sign sacks soaked with the blood of endangered sea turtles.

Instead, we got Skip Schumaker and some fat guy who looks kinda like Juan Uribe. Again, wins is wins is wins. And watching a team with a cartoonish payroll crash and burn is a different kind of fun. But a perfect world isn’t one where the Dodgers are awful — it’s one where the Dodgers are awesome, and the Giants are slightly more awesome. Build ’em up, then knock ’em down.

I have a Dodger-fan friend — who was kind enough to slip me a ticket for the Saturday game, a gesture I rewarded with the post-game rejoinder “every Quiroz has its thorn” — and if he’s reading this I’m sure he’s dreaming up terrible fates for my unborn grandchildren. This whole post is steeped in false pity and ill-concealed condescension.

So, I guess, get better Dodgers, but not too much better. Just better enough to be not quite the best. Thanks in advance.

Also: neener, neener, neener.

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One Comment leave one →
  1. sid sandwich permalink
    May 6, 2013 10:11 am

    f the doggies. hope they cannot even field a rookie team. hope fat magic chokes on all his money he has spent on that pos pansy ass team.

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