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In Appreciation Of Michael John Morse, Mighty Hitter Of Baseballs

April 24, 2014

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When the Giants signed Mike Morse in December, the universe yawned. Not an exaggerated, sarcastic yawn; just an honest, slightly restrained, post-lunch yawn, like a guy in a Five-Hour Energy commercial before he swallows the vial of caffeinated iguana semen. The Giants were shopping off the bottom shelf, bypassing the shiny Ellsburys and Choos and reaching for the generic brand. There was upside — 31 homers in 2011! — but there was also a 32-year-old clomper coming off an injury-plagued blech.

The clomper part is totally true. Watching Morse play left field is like watching a mime mud-wrestle an adolescent Golden Retriever in a kiddie pool filled with Vaseline. Except 30 percent less entertaining. This man was put on earth to be a designated hitter. Which brings us to this (via Giants Extra)…

“Our offense, like I’ve said, it’s such a good offense,” [Morse] said after his two-homer game. “Something was going to spark us, going to ignite us. Today, I think, was that day.” He provided the lighter, hitting two homers that went 458 and 450 feet…Morse now has as many homers (five) as nine Giants left fielders had last season in 599 at-bats.

There are many reasons why the Giants weren’t good last season, but the black hole in left field is an underrated one. Getting five home runs in 599 at-bats out of a position that’s supposed to generate power is like doing this… The Giants stumbled across the finish line of a 5k fun run and puked takeout fettucini is what I’m saying. Now we have a left fielder who hits baseballs very, very far. The wrist injury seems to be in the rearview. Did I mention the far hitting of baseballs? I’m thinking Aubrey Huff circa 2010 thoughts, and those thoughts make me happy.

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So, so happy.

I know…it’s April. Wacky things happen in April. Mirages appear and we grope at them, only to get a mouthful of cactus come September. Other times, though, the swell things that happen in April keep happening. There’s no way to tell which is which without the benefit of hindsight; all we have is blind conjecture. Here’s some blind conjecture, then, mixed with the patter of spring rain on my roof and a steaming cup of coffee and coconut oil (seriously — try it): Mike Morse is going to continue doing his thing. And by “his thing” I mean playing horrible defense and launching ill-fated pitches into the stratosphere. Oh, there will be slumps. There always are. But when the dust settles on 2014, the Giants will have a left fielder who smashes home runs in bunches. Who can change a game with one gigantic, mule-esque swing. And who, as a bonus, does that weird samurai cobra warmup swing, because the Giants’ outfield apparently wasn’t crazy enough. kjNFC

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